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Life in Limbo

Submitted by Bethany on Mon, 01/06/2020 - 10:00

I feel like I've been kind of whiny in my posts lately so I apologize for that. 

But also, this is my little corner of the internet to share what I want and I'm feeling kind of whiny right now so... it is what it is. 

Almost a month ago I wrote a post about waiting for my real life to begin. I had hoped it might have begun by now but instead here I am, still waiting. I hate waiting. 

Weirdly, I love anticipation. I love daydreaming about the future, making plans and lists (oh so many lists), and I often have to pull myself back from living too much in the future. Anticipating something specific - like a holiday or a vacation or a visit from someone I love is, to me, almost as wonderful as when the anticipated event actually happens. (Although, when I'm at my worst as a 7, sometimes the anticipation is actually better than the real life event which is a problem.) 

But waiting, the kind of waiting where it isn't necessarily for something specific, or, even worse, it is something specific that I desperately want but no one will tell me when (or even if) I can have it? That sucks. And that's where I am right now. If I just had a date, a confirmation, some specificity I could be in my preferred state of anticipation. Instead, I'm waiting. 

I feel like I'm living my life in limbo. 

I am trying (I really, really, am!) to live in the moment, appreciate this season, and take advantage of the opportunities this time offers. While I'm not bogged down with work or a schedule or any sort of life routine I am trying to fill my time with good for me things - this morning I did 20 minutes of yoga followed by 20 minutes of meditation. Then I walked two miles, read for an hour, and worked ahead on my devotion for this coming Sunday. I folded a paper crane. We finished a fascinating series on Netflix called Messiah (anyone else watching? I'd love to talk about it!) I've worked on some personal off-blog writing goals. 

But I just feel so untethered, unmoored, like I've been set adrift at sea. We thought we were taking a leap of faith about what comes next and now it just feels like we are free falling...and we don't know if the ground will come up to hit us hard tomorrow or a few weeks from now or if we'll end up with a soft, easy landing tomorrow or a few weeks from now and I'm sure that God is trying to teach me something in all of this but I am stubborn and all I can focus on is the fact that I hate waiting. I hate being in limbo. I can't even properly anticipate what is next because no one will tell me what is next. 

So, I suppose, besides just whining, I am asking for help. 

What do you do when you feel like this? How do you cope? Do you have any tips and tricks for getting through this time? 

Strangely enough, in two novels I've read recently there has been a theme of "Nothing lasts forever" - meaning, you can get through anything. Nothing lasts forever. I know that. In a few days or a few weeks (or at most, a few months) I will look back on this post and only remember just barely the agony of waiting. But right now, it's a lot. Right now, it feels like this could last forever. You know that difference between knowing something intellectually and really feeling it emotionally? That's where I'm at right now. I know in my head this won't last forever but try telling that to my emotions. 

Well anyway, if you read this far, thank you for listening. If you have any advice, I'll take it. If you're the praying type, I could use some - for clarity, for patience, for what will come to pass to come to pass sooner than later. For grace. 

Maybe I should go ahead and give myself some of that grace while I'm at it. 

XOXO, Bethany 

P.S. I know this is a whole basket of #firstworldproblems. There are much bigger things happening in the world right now (Australia, Soleimani, etc.) and I promise I do pay attention to those things and know that they are far more important than whether or not I get what I want when I want it.